Well here I am attempting to do another blog. Other blogs are still hanging around but it’s either screwed up or I’m just too lazy to update it. Anywayz, this would be my new blog and that I would try to update it as much as possible.
It’s been just a little over 3 months that I’d broken up with my then gf Elsie. What have I been doing over those 3 months? It’s like an emotional rollercoaster ride. Firstly I’ve done things that I would normally never do like playing paintball which gave me love bites haha! The thing is that when it hits my body especially on the chest area, it would swell up and leave a bruise mark that is similar to a love bite. After trying a couple of times, I flew off to California where I had a very nice trip. The California trip is a meaningful trip for me, something for me to look at my life differently.
When Elsie came back from Malaysia on 31st Aug, I thought things would be different. I would had thought we had a chance and stuff like that. However, things don’t always turn out to be what you want so in the end I realize it was so totally over. I went on a drinking binge which left me totally blanked out about 3 times. There was this time I couldn’t remember a couple of hours but then remembered my friend suddenly holding me up saying “listen to me, she’s not worth it, she’s fucking not worth it”. I remember crying like a freaking baby only. Looking back, it’s kinda hilarious and so drama to say the least.
Now, I think I’m so totally over her. To begin with, she has been dating her ex-bf ever since we broke up. But now there’s another guy that’s in the picture and so I’m also not sure about the ex-bf. Probably she’ll make some story up to make him feel guilty as an excuse to break up just like me. However, last Friday I went over to my friends place to drink again, and one of Elsie’s friends came over and then I scold them kau and then they start telling me about how Elsie’s concerned for me and stuff. He then continued talking about love bla bla bla till suddenly tears start running down my cheek. I dunno whether it’s because of Elsie or what, but somehow that confused me. Even I don’t dream about getting back together with Elsie anymore. So why did I tear up still remains a mystery for me.
Being out of the relationship allows me to bring myself back to reality. I realized there’s no such thing as true love. Sometimes material possession rule over love, sometimes emotions and immatureness rule over. To be honest, I have serious difficulties putting my trust emotionally towards women. Don’t get me wrong, I don’t hate women and not gonna turn gay, it’s just that women especially at ages 18-25 still are no mature, no matter how much they think they are more mature than men bla bla bla. In this relationship, I feel so betrayed sometimes because whatever honest feelings, thoughts and thinking I have towards her is being reciprocated in the wrong way. The worst thing ever that I’m really pissed off now is that the way she’s acting now. So much for thinking of herself as being mature, she’s overblowing the story of what happened between us. Furthermore, she’s taking advantage of the fact that I’m not being favorable among the Malaysians in this WMU and trying to bring me down. To tell you honestly, not only I’m being heartbroken, I feel so fucking betrayed and depressed at the same time. Thoughts of suicide lingered around my mind for a short period. Imagine everywhere you walked you felt as though there is an invisible spear come jabbing at your body from everyones’ eyes. What’s even more fucked up is that the source of this bullshit is coming from someone that I truly love, that I’m willing to sacrifice anything, including my own fucking life.
I have no choice. I believe when a relationship breaks up, both sides should be mature enough to call it truce and to move on and cherish the happy times we had together. But what’s happening now is countless backstabbings and bitchings about me and then when I confront you about it, you pretend you said nothing. Fine, shall you want to pretend then go ahead while I choose to stay quiet, hopefully that the truth will be told eventually. However till now, people still thinks I’m the ‘devil’ in the relationship so to speak while she continues talking about how she was a victim of sexual harassment etc etc. At one point I believed what she says too, but upon thinking over and over again, you actually did consent to it and that the feelings were mutual. I am at loss at those sharp accusations that is being thrown about to everyone. I feel so frustrated that no one ever bothers to think of my side of the story, for the ‘devil’ has feelings to. This is why I can’t take it anymore and decided to vomit out everything that I have to say.
Go ahead, tell to your new bf that you’re being victimized. Tell him how bad you were being treated when actually it was your demanding expectations that pull them away. It was your unrealistic expectations of your partner being like your father. I understand your loss of your father, but that doesn’t mean that you need a bf to substitute your loss of your father. And I feel you think that a father-daughter relationship is the same as a men-women relationship. Well let me set this straight, you don’t treat your boyfriend as your dad ok. Firstly it’s like having incest. Secondly you expect your dad to do everything for you, don’t expect your boyfriend to do the same. A relationship is mutual, and in this modern era there’s no such thing as the women being the weaker sex. Don’t give me this bullshit that you want to have a career and at the same time wants to get married and have kids but does not want to take care of the kids because of your career. Fine, I’ve said before that maybe I can take care of the kids as I believe that there should be someone taking care of the kids fulltime at least until they reach elementary school. Then you come and give me this bullshit that men should be the one earning the money and that she as women would contribute maximum half to the family. To make things more unreasonable, you have that what is yours is mine, what is mine is mine mentality. My dear, you can have everything ok? I thought the death of your father would make you open your eyes. However, it seems as though it hasn’t open wide enough for you to realize it.
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