For the past 2 days I’ve been studying for my women’s studies. Well, it may say women’s studies but it is not limited to just upon women and their feminists’ perspective but also upon the media. By studying, I have to read two books and the first one is media jamming.
Media Jamming focuses upon how Americans are being controlled and to be put in a so called media trance. Surprisingly, most of the media, communications and advertisement contents are controlled by a handful of people in the US. It talks about how we are being brainwashed to consume more and more and more and more. I’m not exaggerating as I’ve witnessed myself of Americans being addicted to just spending. If you actually see electronic appliances that are left on the roadside the chances are they’re still working, only just that they’re old. We are brainwashed to believe that by buying or consuming products we will be blissful until the next model comes out.
Not only has it affected the way US (actually it’s a global epidemic) consumes stuff, but also the media has been sublimely shaping our thoughts and perspectives socially. A startling fact is that it is impossible for Americans to have a true relationship. What I meant by true relationship would be one that is not influenced by the media’s norms. Not the fairy tale relationship where the guy sweeps you off the feet and then he’s the most understanding and loving guy in the world where he can read your mind at the right place at the right time. You know those idealistic relationships is embedded into our mind so much that when our faces are slapped by reality, you realize it doesn’t work out that way. I had my fair share of fairytale experience at the beginning, but the outcome in real life is something that is left to be desired. We are brainwashed by the media of the expectations which isn’t always in sync with certain people. In other words, what we see in televisions shouldn’t be what one should expect, specifically in a relationship.
It is no wonder US it’s kinda screwed up. In a way, it opened my eyes to how I think in general, including the way I act, what I wear etc. In fact there is never a day in your life that you’re not exposed to advertisements from billboards right up to the urinals. In a way I wish I was never aware of all this things, cause now I always wonder that if my actions and consumer spending is a result of exposure to advertising or my own. How ironic it is also that I’m a marketing major endorsing globalizations and mass consumerism. Damn, this is screwed up!
Saturday, October 27, 2007
Wednesday, October 24, 2007
Don’t Think It’ll Never Happen To You
Not too long ago, I was talking to my sister who actually called me. She was telling me that these past few days there had been this bush fires raging across San Diego. It went through San Bernado and also Scripts Ranch area, where my eldest sister and my second sister are living respectively.
A few hours before talking to my sister, my friends was telling me that in San Diego got fires and stuff. They seemed to be more concern for my sisters than myself. My assumption was that it’ll never reach them and continue on minding my own business.
There I go again, my sheer ignorance has taken over me again. I have to admit that sometimes I can be just plain blur and ignorant, just like this case with my sisters. This is one of the reasons why I have failed in my relationship, not being able to be sensitive enough to know about my partner’s feelings, emotions etc. without her telling me.
Another thing is that I also have this mentality that it’ll never happen to me. It’s quite an arrogant way of thinking and also ignorant at the same time, if you get what I mean. For this case, the bush fires actually did affect both of my sisters. They had to evacuate to their friends place which coincidentally was in the same apartment complex. This give both my sisters time to catch up with things as they live about 15 minutes apart and that my second sister has no time as she has to tend to her family.
Ok I’m getting sidetracked. Basically, this blog has been created to tell you and myself that we should never take things for granted. Yes nothing serious happened to my sisters but imagine the worst happened, I would seriously regret it for the rest of my life since even my friends warn me about it. Oh well, I guess I would call my second sister tomorrow to find out how she is. I heard she hasn’t move back to her place since her area has a lot of ashes floating in the air. Sigh, sometimes I wonder if I’ll ever learn to be more aware of things……..
A few hours before talking to my sister, my friends was telling me that in San Diego got fires and stuff. They seemed to be more concern for my sisters than myself. My assumption was that it’ll never reach them and continue on minding my own business.
There I go again, my sheer ignorance has taken over me again. I have to admit that sometimes I can be just plain blur and ignorant, just like this case with my sisters. This is one of the reasons why I have failed in my relationship, not being able to be sensitive enough to know about my partner’s feelings, emotions etc. without her telling me.
Another thing is that I also have this mentality that it’ll never happen to me. It’s quite an arrogant way of thinking and also ignorant at the same time, if you get what I mean. For this case, the bush fires actually did affect both of my sisters. They had to evacuate to their friends place which coincidentally was in the same apartment complex. This give both my sisters time to catch up with things as they live about 15 minutes apart and that my second sister has no time as she has to tend to her family.
Ok I’m getting sidetracked. Basically, this blog has been created to tell you and myself that we should never take things for granted. Yes nothing serious happened to my sisters but imagine the worst happened, I would seriously regret it for the rest of my life since even my friends warn me about it. Oh well, I guess I would call my second sister tomorrow to find out how she is. I heard she hasn’t move back to her place since her area has a lot of ashes floating in the air. Sigh, sometimes I wonder if I’ll ever learn to be more aware of things……..
Friday, October 19, 2007
To My Lovely Darling Natalie Kan
Since Natalie was complaining that I never write up something about her, I decided to write one about it out of true love for her (bluek). So here I am typing away.
I think I noticed her back in form 2, when I was a stupid geek while I labeled her as one of the smart ass group classes. Back in high school I never really get to know her at all. It wasn’t until form 4 that we started getting closer. Remember all the stupid sneakouts that we did? I so remember walking to her house since we didn’t have any driving license. I remember her climbing over the fence and stuff like that and then after that we walked to Ai Ping’s place to get her. And then we would settle at Dharoos and chat and chat and bitch like there’s no tomorrow. Wahahaha
Also remember the time when we were driving along the north-south highway attempting to go 200km/h? Ai Ping and Melanie were in the car at that time as well. Then there was this car on the fast lane driving so slowly and we start flashing the shit out of the car. Little did we know that the slow Perdana was actually a police car! Hahaha later on we then faster run away from the police still driving at around 200km/h.
It was not long then that I have to leave to the US. We were dating other different people but then somehow rather, we got together. Albeit being in different parts of US, we understand the hardship and all the bullshit we have to go through while being here. Soon our friendship flourish to love, and we embark on a long-distance relationship.
Although being apart, you’re always close my heart. There is not a single moment that I stop thinking of you. Seeing you on webcam makes me wanna hug you so tight and not let you go. I’m so sorry that I would not be able to see you on your birthday. Being such an understanding person, I know you’ll be able to forgive me. It was unfortunate that our wedding was called off, I guess it was for the best for both of us. We both are still too young and stuff like that.
Ok Natalie Kan Ming Chan, are you satisfied that I wrote such a romantic and touching story for you? Honestly I don’t even write shit like this to my ex-girlfriends. Wahaha I find it so gelifying.
I think I noticed her back in form 2, when I was a stupid geek while I labeled her as one of the smart ass group classes. Back in high school I never really get to know her at all. It wasn’t until form 4 that we started getting closer. Remember all the stupid sneakouts that we did? I so remember walking to her house since we didn’t have any driving license. I remember her climbing over the fence and stuff like that and then after that we walked to Ai Ping’s place to get her. And then we would settle at Dharoos and chat and chat and bitch like there’s no tomorrow. Wahahaha
Also remember the time when we were driving along the north-south highway attempting to go 200km/h? Ai Ping and Melanie were in the car at that time as well. Then there was this car on the fast lane driving so slowly and we start flashing the shit out of the car. Little did we know that the slow Perdana was actually a police car! Hahaha later on we then faster run away from the police still driving at around 200km/h.
It was not long then that I have to leave to the US. We were dating other different people but then somehow rather, we got together. Albeit being in different parts of US, we understand the hardship and all the bullshit we have to go through while being here. Soon our friendship flourish to love, and we embark on a long-distance relationship.
Although being apart, you’re always close my heart. There is not a single moment that I stop thinking of you. Seeing you on webcam makes me wanna hug you so tight and not let you go. I’m so sorry that I would not be able to see you on your birthday. Being such an understanding person, I know you’ll be able to forgive me. It was unfortunate that our wedding was called off, I guess it was for the best for both of us. We both are still too young and stuff like that.
Ok Natalie Kan Ming Chan, are you satisfied that I wrote such a romantic and touching story for you? Honestly I don’t even write shit like this to my ex-girlfriends. Wahaha I find it so gelifying.
Runner's High
Firstly, I would like to clarify that the intention of this blog is to only express myself. This is no ulterior motives upon doing up this blog. Like many other things, if you don’t like what is written here then you can just leave. Also, what is written inside here stays inside here. It’s my thoughts, respect it. Shall you want to say out your opinion about what I say, there is a comment section at the bottom right of each blog. Saying that, I don’t want situations where people come out and confront me about what I say in the blog. I have encountered situations where people actually did print out stuff and confronted my parents. I mean wtf? If you really have a problem then come to me, not my parents. Geeezzz
Upon clarifying myself, I shall continue about my interesting happenings in life (not). For those who known me for quite some time you all should remember the time when I was all fit, muscular and being a walking calorie calculator which pisses off almost all of my gal-friends and my then girlfriend (surprisingly). Upon embarking an ‘exciting’ journey to the US of A, from June 2006 till now I’ve gain about 50 pounds. Yes I know it’s freaking shocking. Now that I’m single, I’m now continuing what I was doing when I was single. You guessed it, I’m back to the all-protein-eater-and-a-calorie-counter-freak-while-working-out-for-hours-in-the-gym. Just a few days ago, I was all over that stupid elliptical machine. It’s like a machine where you use your legs to pedal and you can adjust the inclines and resistance. Somehow rather, the majority of the users are the gals, which is quite a sight indeed. Seeing them not only pleases my eyes, but it gives me motivation to slim down even more. I wish I could take pictures, but then they would think that I’m some perverted asian freak who is stalking them. Oh well, I intend to only exercise for half an hour on that particular machine. However, my trusty old ipod suddenly played my all time favorite Progressive Trance thus putting me in a state of trance. In the end I spent an hour on that damn machine before running in the indoor track for an uncountable number of times.
It’s been a while since I’ve had that ‘high’ feeling. If you run long distance and just continue pushing yourself, at first you’ll feel like you’re going to give up. But if you continue running on, when you get past that stage then you’ll feel that numb sensation while you brain gets ‘high’. I’m serious, if you really feel like giving up, push on and then you’ll get the so called runner/jogger’s high. It’s a nice feeling that only lasts as long as a minute before you really feel like giving up. Just a warning though, if you feel a sharp pain in your heart, then you should stop immediately. Being in the US, I shall not relieve myself of any reliability shall anyone who attempts the runners high and succumb into undesirable circumstances. I will however claim responsibility if it turns out to be something good for you. Wahaha!
Ok I babble too much. I shall stop for now. Seeyaz.
Upon clarifying myself, I shall continue about my interesting happenings in life (not). For those who known me for quite some time you all should remember the time when I was all fit, muscular and being a walking calorie calculator which pisses off almost all of my gal-friends and my then girlfriend (surprisingly). Upon embarking an ‘exciting’ journey to the US of A, from June 2006 till now I’ve gain about 50 pounds. Yes I know it’s freaking shocking. Now that I’m single, I’m now continuing what I was doing when I was single. You guessed it, I’m back to the all-protein-eater-and-a-calorie-counter-freak-while-working-out-for-hours-in-the-gym. Just a few days ago, I was all over that stupid elliptical machine. It’s like a machine where you use your legs to pedal and you can adjust the inclines and resistance. Somehow rather, the majority of the users are the gals, which is quite a sight indeed. Seeing them not only pleases my eyes, but it gives me motivation to slim down even more. I wish I could take pictures, but then they would think that I’m some perverted asian freak who is stalking them. Oh well, I intend to only exercise for half an hour on that particular machine. However, my trusty old ipod suddenly played my all time favorite Progressive Trance thus putting me in a state of trance. In the end I spent an hour on that damn machine before running in the indoor track for an uncountable number of times.
It’s been a while since I’ve had that ‘high’ feeling. If you run long distance and just continue pushing yourself, at first you’ll feel like you’re going to give up. But if you continue running on, when you get past that stage then you’ll feel that numb sensation while you brain gets ‘high’. I’m serious, if you really feel like giving up, push on and then you’ll get the so called runner/jogger’s high. It’s a nice feeling that only lasts as long as a minute before you really feel like giving up. Just a warning though, if you feel a sharp pain in your heart, then you should stop immediately. Being in the US, I shall not relieve myself of any reliability shall anyone who attempts the runners high and succumb into undesirable circumstances. I will however claim responsibility if it turns out to be something good for you. Wahaha!
Ok I babble too much. I shall stop for now. Seeyaz.
Tuesday, October 16, 2007
To Set Things Straight
Well here I am attempting to do another blog. Other blogs are still hanging around but it’s either screwed up or I’m just too lazy to update it. Anywayz, this would be my new blog and that I would try to update it as much as possible.
It’s been just a little over 3 months that I’d broken up with my then gf Elsie. What have I been doing over those 3 months? It’s like an emotional rollercoaster ride. Firstly I’ve done things that I would normally never do like playing paintball which gave me love bites haha! The thing is that when it hits my body especially on the chest area, it would swell up and leave a bruise mark that is similar to a love bite. After trying a couple of times, I flew off to California where I had a very nice trip. The California trip is a meaningful trip for me, something for me to look at my life differently.
When Elsie came back from Malaysia on 31st Aug, I thought things would be different. I would had thought we had a chance and stuff like that. However, things don’t always turn out to be what you want so in the end I realize it was so totally over. I went on a drinking binge which left me totally blanked out about 3 times. There was this time I couldn’t remember a couple of hours but then remembered my friend suddenly holding me up saying “listen to me, she’s not worth it, she’s fucking not worth it”. I remember crying like a freaking baby only. Looking back, it’s kinda hilarious and so drama to say the least.
Now, I think I’m so totally over her. To begin with, she has been dating her ex-bf ever since we broke up. But now there’s another guy that’s in the picture and so I’m also not sure about the ex-bf. Probably she’ll make some story up to make him feel guilty as an excuse to break up just like me. However, last Friday I went over to my friends place to drink again, and one of Elsie’s friends came over and then I scold them kau and then they start telling me about how Elsie’s concerned for me and stuff. He then continued talking about love bla bla bla till suddenly tears start running down my cheek. I dunno whether it’s because of Elsie or what, but somehow that confused me. Even I don’t dream about getting back together with Elsie anymore. So why did I tear up still remains a mystery for me.
Being out of the relationship allows me to bring myself back to reality. I realized there’s no such thing as true love. Sometimes material possession rule over love, sometimes emotions and immatureness rule over. To be honest, I have serious difficulties putting my trust emotionally towards women. Don’t get me wrong, I don’t hate women and not gonna turn gay, it’s just that women especially at ages 18-25 still are no mature, no matter how much they think they are more mature than men bla bla bla. In this relationship, I feel so betrayed sometimes because whatever honest feelings, thoughts and thinking I have towards her is being reciprocated in the wrong way. The worst thing ever that I’m really pissed off now is that the way she’s acting now. So much for thinking of herself as being mature, she’s overblowing the story of what happened between us. Furthermore, she’s taking advantage of the fact that I’m not being favorable among the Malaysians in this WMU and trying to bring me down. To tell you honestly, not only I’m being heartbroken, I feel so fucking betrayed and depressed at the same time. Thoughts of suicide lingered around my mind for a short period. Imagine everywhere you walked you felt as though there is an invisible spear come jabbing at your body from everyones’ eyes. What’s even more fucked up is that the source of this bullshit is coming from someone that I truly love, that I’m willing to sacrifice anything, including my own fucking life.
I have no choice. I believe when a relationship breaks up, both sides should be mature enough to call it truce and to move on and cherish the happy times we had together. But what’s happening now is countless backstabbings and bitchings about me and then when I confront you about it, you pretend you said nothing. Fine, shall you want to pretend then go ahead while I choose to stay quiet, hopefully that the truth will be told eventually. However till now, people still thinks I’m the ‘devil’ in the relationship so to speak while she continues talking about how she was a victim of sexual harassment etc etc. At one point I believed what she says too, but upon thinking over and over again, you actually did consent to it and that the feelings were mutual. I am at loss at those sharp accusations that is being thrown about to everyone. I feel so frustrated that no one ever bothers to think of my side of the story, for the ‘devil’ has feelings to. This is why I can’t take it anymore and decided to vomit out everything that I have to say.
Go ahead, tell to your new bf that you’re being victimized. Tell him how bad you were being treated when actually it was your demanding expectations that pull them away. It was your unrealistic expectations of your partner being like your father. I understand your loss of your father, but that doesn’t mean that you need a bf to substitute your loss of your father. And I feel you think that a father-daughter relationship is the same as a men-women relationship. Well let me set this straight, you don’t treat your boyfriend as your dad ok. Firstly it’s like having incest. Secondly you expect your dad to do everything for you, don’t expect your boyfriend to do the same. A relationship is mutual, and in this modern era there’s no such thing as the women being the weaker sex. Don’t give me this bullshit that you want to have a career and at the same time wants to get married and have kids but does not want to take care of the kids because of your career. Fine, I’ve said before that maybe I can take care of the kids as I believe that there should be someone taking care of the kids fulltime at least until they reach elementary school. Then you come and give me this bullshit that men should be the one earning the money and that she as women would contribute maximum half to the family. To make things more unreasonable, you have that what is yours is mine, what is mine is mine mentality. My dear, you can have everything ok? I thought the death of your father would make you open your eyes. However, it seems as though it hasn’t open wide enough for you to realize it.
It’s been just a little over 3 months that I’d broken up with my then gf Elsie. What have I been doing over those 3 months? It’s like an emotional rollercoaster ride. Firstly I’ve done things that I would normally never do like playing paintball which gave me love bites haha! The thing is that when it hits my body especially on the chest area, it would swell up and leave a bruise mark that is similar to a love bite. After trying a couple of times, I flew off to California where I had a very nice trip. The California trip is a meaningful trip for me, something for me to look at my life differently.
When Elsie came back from Malaysia on 31st Aug, I thought things would be different. I would had thought we had a chance and stuff like that. However, things don’t always turn out to be what you want so in the end I realize it was so totally over. I went on a drinking binge which left me totally blanked out about 3 times. There was this time I couldn’t remember a couple of hours but then remembered my friend suddenly holding me up saying “listen to me, she’s not worth it, she’s fucking not worth it”. I remember crying like a freaking baby only. Looking back, it’s kinda hilarious and so drama to say the least.
Now, I think I’m so totally over her. To begin with, she has been dating her ex-bf ever since we broke up. But now there’s another guy that’s in the picture and so I’m also not sure about the ex-bf. Probably she’ll make some story up to make him feel guilty as an excuse to break up just like me. However, last Friday I went over to my friends place to drink again, and one of Elsie’s friends came over and then I scold them kau and then they start telling me about how Elsie’s concerned for me and stuff. He then continued talking about love bla bla bla till suddenly tears start running down my cheek. I dunno whether it’s because of Elsie or what, but somehow that confused me. Even I don’t dream about getting back together with Elsie anymore. So why did I tear up still remains a mystery for me.
Being out of the relationship allows me to bring myself back to reality. I realized there’s no such thing as true love. Sometimes material possession rule over love, sometimes emotions and immatureness rule over. To be honest, I have serious difficulties putting my trust emotionally towards women. Don’t get me wrong, I don’t hate women and not gonna turn gay, it’s just that women especially at ages 18-25 still are no mature, no matter how much they think they are more mature than men bla bla bla. In this relationship, I feel so betrayed sometimes because whatever honest feelings, thoughts and thinking I have towards her is being reciprocated in the wrong way. The worst thing ever that I’m really pissed off now is that the way she’s acting now. So much for thinking of herself as being mature, she’s overblowing the story of what happened between us. Furthermore, she’s taking advantage of the fact that I’m not being favorable among the Malaysians in this WMU and trying to bring me down. To tell you honestly, not only I’m being heartbroken, I feel so fucking betrayed and depressed at the same time. Thoughts of suicide lingered around my mind for a short period. Imagine everywhere you walked you felt as though there is an invisible spear come jabbing at your body from everyones’ eyes. What’s even more fucked up is that the source of this bullshit is coming from someone that I truly love, that I’m willing to sacrifice anything, including my own fucking life.
I have no choice. I believe when a relationship breaks up, both sides should be mature enough to call it truce and to move on and cherish the happy times we had together. But what’s happening now is countless backstabbings and bitchings about me and then when I confront you about it, you pretend you said nothing. Fine, shall you want to pretend then go ahead while I choose to stay quiet, hopefully that the truth will be told eventually. However till now, people still thinks I’m the ‘devil’ in the relationship so to speak while she continues talking about how she was a victim of sexual harassment etc etc. At one point I believed what she says too, but upon thinking over and over again, you actually did consent to it and that the feelings were mutual. I am at loss at those sharp accusations that is being thrown about to everyone. I feel so frustrated that no one ever bothers to think of my side of the story, for the ‘devil’ has feelings to. This is why I can’t take it anymore and decided to vomit out everything that I have to say.
Go ahead, tell to your new bf that you’re being victimized. Tell him how bad you were being treated when actually it was your demanding expectations that pull them away. It was your unrealistic expectations of your partner being like your father. I understand your loss of your father, but that doesn’t mean that you need a bf to substitute your loss of your father. And I feel you think that a father-daughter relationship is the same as a men-women relationship. Well let me set this straight, you don’t treat your boyfriend as your dad ok. Firstly it’s like having incest. Secondly you expect your dad to do everything for you, don’t expect your boyfriend to do the same. A relationship is mutual, and in this modern era there’s no such thing as the women being the weaker sex. Don’t give me this bullshit that you want to have a career and at the same time wants to get married and have kids but does not want to take care of the kids because of your career. Fine, I’ve said before that maybe I can take care of the kids as I believe that there should be someone taking care of the kids fulltime at least until they reach elementary school. Then you come and give me this bullshit that men should be the one earning the money and that she as women would contribute maximum half to the family. To make things more unreasonable, you have that what is yours is mine, what is mine is mine mentality. My dear, you can have everything ok? I thought the death of your father would make you open your eyes. However, it seems as though it hasn’t open wide enough for you to realize it.
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